How can I stop being talkative
Overcoming Shyness: The Ultimate Guide (+17 Practical Tips)
Are you shy?
Don't you dare to approach other people?
Do you never know what to say and are generally always afraid of attracting too much attention?
Don't worry - you are not alone with this:
I myself suffered from extreme shyness for years. I was constantly afraid of being the center of attention or of attracting negative attention. That's why I prefer to hide behind my computer ...
Today I'm the complete opposite of that:
I LOVE talking to strangers, making new friends, being on stage or in front of the camera, and being open about my opinion!
How I did it and how YOU can get rid of your shyness in no time, I'll tell you in this article:
Table of Contents
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Innate or trained? Where does shyness come from anyway?
Nobody is shy from birth.
There are people who are naturally a little more reserved than others, but mostly shyness only develops during childhood.
I have created the following graphic for you to clarify:
What do you see here
- Most of the time, shy children have at least one parent, which is themselves rather insecure and fearful and unconsciously transfers this behavior to the child
- But even a parent who is too demanding can increase the child's shyness, because too much pressure also creates fear and insecurity
- Finally, there are also the experiences that a reluctant child has in kindergarten, school or even in the family: They behave insecure and fearful, then have negative experiences and this intensifies their shyness even more
As you can see, shy behavior has a lot to do with fear.
Shy people have:
Perhaps you are now wondering whether so many fears - and with them shyness - can even be put aside.
Yes, you can!
I am the living proof! I used to be much too shy, insecure, reserved and shy of people ...
Today I am brave, self-confident, open, talkative and almost extroverted.
How I did it, I want to show you here. Here are all of my tried and tested tips and exercises to help me overcome my extreme shyness:
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16 + 1 proven power tips against shyness
I have tried all of the following tips myself and have now successfully passed them on to many people.
Some of the exercises initially require a bit of effort ...
But let me tell you one thing:
With every small step you take out of your comfort zone, you become bolder, more confident and more confident.
The first step may still be difficult for you, but with every further step it becomes easier and soon you will be able to leave your shyness behind you once and for all:
1. Juhu - you are shy!
As is so often the case, self-acceptance comes first.
Because you cannot change anything as long as you cannot accept who you are. As long as you don't want to admit your current state or you are constantly fighting against it, how do you want to change something?
The following 2 mindsets help to make it easier for you to accept your shyness:
- Being shy is not bad. Lots of people are shy and that doesn't mean they are worth less than others. Shy people are often even more sensitive and empathetic than other people
- You are not ALWAYS shy at all but only in certain situations. So your shyness is not a character trait at all, just a reaction to certain events
2. Say it out loud
Those who are shy are usually so ashamed that they would like to hide their shyness from everyone ...
What happens then?
You get EVEN more insecure because you're scared all the time that someone will notice your shyness.
To avoid this in the first place, just say it out loud:
Hello, I'm a bit shy, so don't be surprised if I blush or stutter around right away.
Think about how you would react if someone said that to you. Would you find them stupid or super likeable?
PS: By the way, both men and women find it very cute when they are addressed so openly and honestly!
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3. Why you don't have to say anything (and what you do instead)
Especially in conversations and when getting to know new people, many panic that they don't know what to say.
But, you know what?
Most of the time it is enough if you are nice Hello! say and smile ...
Like right now? Just smile
Yes. Just smile.
Because you are not alone in this situation. Your counterpart can just as easily say something and get the conversation going.
Nobody expects you to play the solo entertainer. Often other people are even grateful when someone simply listens to them with a friendly smile.
4. Just exhale nervousness and excitement
Think about situations where you are NOT shy. How are you there?
Right - you are easy going and relaxed.
In “shyness situations”, on the other hand, you are tense and nervous. A thousand thoughts race through your head, your knees go weak, your hands start to sweat ...
If you could now manage to relax in THIS situation, then that would also alleviate your shyness at the same time.
The good news is: Relaxation can be practiced and trained! For example, by meditating regularly or simply consciously concentrating on your breathing and slowly counting to 10 in your mind.
5. How far can you get with 30 steps?
You can only fight your shyness if you repeatedly face your fear in small steps.
This is the only way you can experience that nothing bad happens.
At the time, for example, I set myself the task of speaking to a stranger EVERYDAY for 30 days.
The first day cost me an incredible amount of effort. But nothing bad happened at all and so it was a lot easier on the second day.
After 30 days I had gained so much self-confidence that it was absolutely no longer an issue for me to speak to strangers.
You will find that it is getting easier for you every day.
6. Act first, then think
Usually it always means that you should think before you say something ...
However, if you're shy, that's bad advice!
Because the longer you think about what could happen, what could go wrong or what the other might think of you, the more anxious and insecure you become.
In the end, you scared yourself so much with your own ruminations that, as a precaution, you stopped saying anything.
Say your first thought immediately before the brooding machine kicks in in your head and messes everything up again.
7. Make success your new passion for collecting
Successful experiences strengthen our self-confidence and give us the security that we can master new and unfamiliar situations.
However, shy people mostly do not see their own successes, instead focusing far too much on everything that has ever gone wrong.
A success diary will help you to realign this focus. In it you write down all the situations in which you were brave and self-confident or in which you have successfully overcome your shyness.
From now on, continue reading the book regularly and write down every experience you were not shy about or where you overcome your shyness.
8. Use thought power properly
The main reason you are shy is your thoughts.
Even BEFORE a situation, you let scenarios run in your head, which could all go wrong.
No wonder that you then get anxious and nervous and no longer trust yourself ...
Since your thoughts have a lot of power over your feelings, your behavior and ultimately also your real experiences, you can also use them positively:
Then try to change the pictures so that exactly THAT happens in your imagination, what you would ideally want.
The advantage: You can do this mental training completely relaxed at home in your safe armchair.
9. What to expect instead of negative expectations
Shy people mostly worry that everyone else will think badly of them.
Behind this are of course negative thoughts or negative expectations, which you should change as soon as possible.
You can NEVER know beforehand how other people will react to you. So if you want to expect something, at least expect something positive!
As soon as you realize that you are expecting a negative reaction from the other person, tell yourself:
“I don't know how this person will react. That's why I just expect a positive reaction now. "
10. Fight shyness with horror scenarios
If you can't get the negative expectations and images in your head under control, you can use the following exercise.
You do the following:
You imagine the absolute worst case scenario and think about the worst that could happen and what the consequences would be.
Here some examples:
- You speak to someone on the street and they don't react, grumble at you or say something unfriendly "Leave me in peace!" -> Is that why the world is going to end? No. Do you live on Yes.
- You're screwing up an important presentation because you can't get a word out. Your boss is pissed off with you and all colleagues look at you reproachfully. -> Is that why the world is going to end? No. Do you live on Yes.
- You're alone at a party trying to start a conversation. You turn bright red and stutter and all the party guests pour out laughing. -> Is that why the world is going to end? No. Do you live on Yes.
Surely you have already noticed from my examples that these worst case scenarios are totally unlikely ...
And even IF this worst case should occur, the world will not end and you will just go on living.
11. How to: Use self-talk in a positive way
Here is another method you can use to make positive use of your carousel of thoughts:
Maybe you also know that inner voice that tries to break you down. That tells you what you CANNOT do and that nobody is interested in what you have to say anyway.
This voice is your inner critic. How you make him your ally, I explain to you here: The inner critic: With this simple exercise you can get him under control
You can talk to him and get him to help you instead of messing you up.
You can find the instructions here: Overcoming the inner critic
12. Maximum inspiration: Follow the party lion
During puberty, it often backfires when friends incite us to do some nonsense ...
As a shy adult, however, you can take advantage of the courage and self-confidence of others.
So don't be intimidated by the self-confident behavior of other people, but rather inspire you:
13. Use the self-comparison
You may find it difficult to implement the previous tip because you compare yourself to self-confident people and always get the short straw ...
Let me tell you one thing about this:
Comparing yourself always sucks!
When you compare yourself, you are never objective. You always compare your own weaknesses with the strengths of other people. But these people aren't perfect either. They also have some weaknesses. However, you do not pay any attention to that ...
There is only one way to use comparison in a meaningful way:
Did you evolve? Do you now trust yourself to do things that you used to be afraid of?
This type of comparison helps you to see what progress you are making and is therefore very motivating.
14. Online = lonely? How the internet can help you
It is often said that people are slowly becoming lonely because they only send each other text messages or are on the Internet.
However, this can be an advantage for shy people, as a study by psychologists Levi Baker and Debra Oswald from Marquette University shows.
Accordingly, shy people in particular find it much easier to come into contact with others via the Internet. The advantage is obvious: you are not seen and you can calmly consider what and how to answer.
Find forums or Facebook groups that match your interests and try to get in touch with other people there. Write comments, start small conversations or ask a question.
15. Tomato power: what to do if you blush?
In the first tip I already explained to you how important and helpful it is to accept your shyness.
And that also applies to the annoying topic of BURNING RED ...
The problem is:
The more you try NOT to blush, the worse it gets. But did you know that the real blush lasts a minute or less and has already peaked in 15 seconds?
So while you're still trying to sink into the ground in shame, your complexion has long since returned to normal and no one else has probably noticed anything but yourself.
Tell you: “Okay, I'll be blushing soon. What the hell. It will be over in a minute and if you are bothered by it, you can look away. "
The more relaxed you can accept that, the less bad it is.
16. Be your own entertainment program
Regardless of whether you were clumsy, made a promise, or had another mishap - as soon as you take it with humor, it's not that bad anymore.
And other people LOVE funny stories. So if you tell them your “Do you know what happened to ME the other day” stories, you can laugh about it together and your insecurity will even turn into an advantage!
You can also get yourself a little book and collect little "anecdotes" from your life. Then you always have great conversation pieces for the next party or date.
Bonus tip: wiggle your toes
If you are shy, negative images and expectations constantly run through your head (see also tip number 8).
You picture the worst scenes and become more and more nervous, fearful and insecure.
To break this process, you need to turn your attention to something completely different:
You can also hop or crush an anti-stress ball if the situation allows.
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The first step out of your shyness - take it NOW
Now you know my best and tried and tested tips against your shyness.
Now it's your turn. Because there is one single thing that no article, no book or seminar can do for you:
You have to take action and implement the tips!
Reading alone won't make you bolder or more confident, any more than will make you leaner reading diet books.
So go for it.
Pick one of my tips NOW and implement it IMMEDIATELY. This is the only way you can feel directly what it feels like to overcome your shyness.
Questions and problems related to your shyness
Is shy and introverted the same thing?
For many, "shy" and "introverted" are the same thing ...
There is one important difference, however:
- Shy people are quiet and reserved because they are afraid, insecure and do not trust themselves. They judge themselves for it and would like to be different.
- Introverts are quiet and reserved because it's their way. You feel comfortable with it and don't want to be any different.
Just think about whether you don't actually feel comfortable with your reserved manner.
Perhaps then you will realize that you are not shy at all, but rather that you are introverted. Then you can be much more relaxed with yourself and stop putting yourself under constant pressure!
This is how you escape the arrogance trap
Shy people are often thought to be arrogant.
This is just a wrong interpretation of their behavior:
The impression of arrogance mostly arises from the fact that shy people often do
- Avoid eye contact
- do not take part in conversations
- do not seem to care about their counterpart
- and may not even respond to questions
If you want to avoid this impression, my tip number 2 will help you: Just talk about the fact that you are shy!
Once people know what's wrong with you, they will no longer mistakenly judge your behavior as arrogant.
In fact, they are often much more friendly and understanding with you. At least I don't know anyone who finds shyness stupid in OTHERS.
Shy Moments: How to Handle Setbacks
No matter how hard you try to implement my tips - there can always be situations in which you react extremely shyly again.
It even happens to me sometimes, for example when a very cute girl is standing in front of me 😉
Sometimes it depends on how shy you are or how confident you are on the day.
The most important is:
Forgive yourself if you had another shy moment!
Above all, stop worrying about it for days, questioning yourself or blaming yourself.
Just read through all the tips again and then look ahead again positively - next time it is guaranteed to be much better.
Would you like to build up your self-confidence step by step and say good-by to shyness once and for all? Here you will find the ultimate guide: Strengthening self-confidence - the complete set
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