What should come first love or career
The job of killing love - when the job endangers the relationship
It could all be so perfect: Your career is uphill, responsibility grows, so does your salary - the best prerequisites for private happiness in your home?
Unfortunately, professional success is not an indicator of happiness in love. Sometimes the job even turns out to be a ticking time bomb for love and partnership. It is not only the constellation that is problematic when both partners are extremely committed to their work. Also the "Classic" Variant with a male main breadwinner, who bears all the financial responsibility, harbors dangers for the couple relationship. And as before, the professional role reversal seems to be for "Career Women" to be anything but an elixir of love.
Three scenarios, one basic problem: priority shift
At the beginning of a love relationship there is mutual attraction: the famous butterflies in your stomach at every meeting. Meetings for which newly-felled people take every possible window of time - other things slide down on the to-do list. Another typical feature of the romantic beginning phase is a selective perception of the positive qualities of the person who is being revered - also known as "pink glasses".
The exuberance of emotions and physical reactions fades over time. This is normal and even urgently needed, because the body and psyche are in an absolute state of emergency that cannot be extended indefinitely. In the best case scenario, being in love develops into love, based on affection, appreciation and trust. Very important: the erotic component that distinguishes a love relationship from other partnerships and friendships.
How can work endanger or even destroy this relationship?
Normally, the job as an important area of life is not in permanent competition with the love relationship. There can always be phases in which the job has to have priority - advanced training, seminars, projects. The periods of time are manageable, however, the next weekend together, the next vacation and also the end of the extra workload are foreseeable. A stable partnership can cope with such difficult phases.
It gets more complicated when the priorities shift gradually or suddenly. If the importance of the relationship decreases while the job is literally absorbing all energies, crises are only a matter of time and the partner's ability to suffer. This process is not always one-sided, love relationships also fail because both partners have their careers and not their common future in mind.
When a couple has little time for each other
Time is a precious commodity. If a couple values their career and their time at work not only temporarily, but permanently more than the mutuality, the danger of alienation is great. Life plans and interests can drift apart, and in the long run a circle of friends can develop into two independent circles, which overlap less and less. Usually, both partners only realize this undesirable development when the situation is already very deadlocked. This development is typical for young graduates who want to start their careers after graduation. Whether it is a stay abroad, the center of life in different cities for work or not enough concentration on the couple relationship despite sharing a flat - at some point this development becomes obvious. If both of you don't consciously take countermeasures now, the relationship is likely to fail.
When the partner is only an onlooker at home
The classic: man makes a career, woman takes care of the offspring and all the rest. In advertising, full-bodied as "Family manager" Praised, many women in practice lack recognition for activities related to children, kitchen and household. An imbalance arises from which massive dissatisfaction can arise. The situation is similar when qualified women only have a mini job or part-time job while their partner is developing and realizing their professional life. Business trips, business lunches, meetings - business attracts with endorphins through success. On the other hand, the partner easily loses its attractiveness - or presumes that she is no longer desirable. Here, too, time is the essential factor, because if you take your time, and if necessary shovel it out, you signal love, interest and respect.
When a career turns unfeminine
Despite women's emancipation and efforts to achieve equality, “career women” are often considered to be less feminine, even in the 21st century. Women are conquering male domains professionally, studying mechanical engineering or other technical subjects - but if they are committed to their professional advancement in a typically masculine manner, the partner cannot always cope with it. Love can fall by the wayside, especially in relationships with reversed gender roles, when the male partner is significantly less successful at work. The problem is similar to the classic constellation - with the difference that only very self-confident men manage to put off their career with a career woman at their side, to take on family responsibilities and to take on this role. Less confident partners find it difficult to accept a successful woman by their side. In such a constellation you tend to seek recognition through flirtation, love affairs and sexual adventures.
First aid for love
In our modern society, a harmonious relationship and a fulfilling professional life are both prerequisites for happiness and satisfaction. Ideally, these two components harmonize and even fertilize each other. However, this is the exception, the normal case is a compromise that is not based on constant balance. In the long run, however, a balance must be discernible.
If there are already signs of an imbalance, couples should deal with the subject of “work-love-live-balance”. Advice authors like the psychologist couple Eva-Maria and Wolfram Zurhorst encourage one to love oneself and to discover potentials of strength. Professional commitments, pressure to perform and stress only turn out to be love killers if they go undetected. It takes courage to find a new rhythm of life in which work and love make you equally happy - but it can succeed. A prerequisite is a move away from "Security thinking" and the new weighting of interests and goals in life.
Photo credit: NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock.com
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