What is the need for love

Needs are our drivers. Everything we do serves to meet our needs, both physically and emotionally. Our feelings are closely linked to needs. They are indications of which need is currently not being met. But if we are not in balance, if we do not feel ourselves and our needs, problems arise.

What are needs?

To live, people need more than just air and love, food and drink. There are basic needs without which life is difficult or impossible. These include, for example, eating, drinking or sleeping. We also want to make our own decisions, be close to others and be successful. When a need is met, we are happy and satisfied.

But if the needs are not met, there will be malaise and deficiency symptoms. It is similar with the basic psychological or emotional needs. Because without spiritual nourishment, attention, or recognition we wither away. Needs are in us, but very many are strong in the subconscious. Therefore we sometimes feel it more and sometimes less or not at all.

Need: the desire or desire to remedy a perceived or actual deficiency.

Often one experiences a lack in the fulfillment of the emotional needs already in early childhood. There is a lack of affection or the attention that one would like to see from parents as a child. This leads to certain behavior patterns or beliefs, which are mostly lived and thought into adulthood. Thus, one's own needs are never properly perceived.

Today we know that failure to meet needs can lead to an imbalance and ultimately to mental disorders and constant pain (body marks). It is therefore particularly important to know your own emotional needs and to meet them. That keeps us healthy. Therefore we should find our possible deficits and bring them back into balance. But what are these basic needs of the soul?

Examples of emotional needs:

  • To be loved and loved
  • Security and security
  • Connectedness or belonging
  • Recognition and success
    • Praise, dealing with criticism, feeling of being used
  • Freedom, self-determination, identity and creativity
  • Self worth
  • Meaning, spirituality, belief
  • Wellbeing - "A healthy mind in a healthy body"

We are connected to other people through our feelings and needs, but there are often major problems because many people do not properly perceive their own needs or the needs of others. Or some people may take the same emotional needs in others less seriously than they do in themselves. The emotional needs of others are simply not visible. Therefore we ignore them or have certain expectations of others or simply value and devalue people. This inevitably leads to disappointment and neediness.

Need versus needs

Need develops out of the feeling that something is missing. People in need want the other person, usually the partner or family, to recognize their own needs immediately and meet them for them:

Need: mostly an emotional dependency of a person.

  • "He must see that his behavior makes me sad!"
  • "You must realize that I need more affection!"
  • "Why doesn't he pay any attention to me, he knows that's what I want!"
  • "He must feel that I am feeling bad!" ...

Hence, neediness always goes hand in hand with a dependency on the actions of other people. Need leads to the fact that a person projects his own deficits and the emptiness resulting from them onto another person. This person is then idealized as a “savior”. The other should then satisfy his own needs.

There was also a time when I was very needy. A good friend even said, "You can feel your need". I often didn't know what she meant. How to feel It was because I couldn't feel myself at the time. I didn't know what kind of hidden needs wanted to come out of the daylight. I didn't feel that my urge to belong was overwhelming for some. I just wanted to be loved like others. But with me the urge was greater. At that time I also lacked recognition. Many of my childhood needs were deeply hidden but impacted my relationships.

The eternally unfulfilled desire for security, love, belonging

A basic human need is to enter into intensive and loving relationships with other people. This does not always have to mean a partnership. Friends and the social environment are also particularly important for our emotional wellbeing. We just want to belong somewhere.

The relationship with the parents always plays an important role. If as a child the emotional needs could not be met, it has an impact on the whole of life up to the point of breaking off contact. Often this results in a lifelong search for love or. Or a feeling of being alone remains a constant companion. Then the need for attachment is either completely suppressed or pursued with increased pressure. So you are constantly on the lookout. The intense desire for affection or recognition or attention leads to neediness.

For example, when people choose their life partner only because of their own need, it is often the result of deep despair. You are thus in a strong dependency and also submission. Some people want attention so badly that they would do almost anything to be loved. But it's not a relationship on an equal footing. The needy puts the other on a pedestal and seeks recognition and devotion from the other. A clear imbalance, which must lead to difficulties. Because nobody is there just to meet the needs of others.

Healthy needs - a healthy life

A conscious and mindful life can help to uncover any deficiencies and restore mental equilibrium. It's not about the problem of what has just emerged with someone else, the anger, but about the needs that are behind it in your own life. So getting to know your own emotional needs is important for your own life, but also for living together with others.

Perceiving your own needs

Sometimes we don't even feel what we are feeling anymore. To avoid misunderstandings, however, it is important to take time for yourself to perceive hidden feelings. Only then can you find the unconscious needs and take care of them. If you have a feeling, how seriously do you take it? When are you really going to investigate? Ask yourself:

  • Is the life situation you are currently living in exactly the one that meets your needs?
  • What are your inner desires?
  • Which wish is your constant companion?
  • Where do you fall by the wayside?
  • Which of your needs in partnership, relationship, job or group of friends cannot be met at the moment?

Those who feel their needs can respond to them healthily. For example, if you are tired today, it makes sense to step down a little. But if you are full of strength and energy today, you will be able to start something new and stick with it. Those who live in a great environment are much more creative and relaxed. If we know our needs and know the needs of others, we are more likely to find creative solutions together to support each other.

The more you find out about yourself, the more you will find yourself. It is the same with love: the less you do to be loved, the better the measure of what you need. You don't have to do anything for love. You are loved because you are who you are and that is a good thing. The calmer you get inside, the more attractive you become as a partner.

So if you openly and honestly devote yourself to your needs, you increase your self-esteem. This is how you drastically reduce your emotional need. The message is: You are responsible for meeting your needs!

Addressing needs

Real connections are created with the sincerity of showing yourself and addressing what you need. Unfortunately, we haven't learned to openly address our needs. We shy away from admitting that we are missing something in this situation. So it depends on the courage to say it and on the correct formulation.

Check whether there are always hidden expectations of others: “It's nice that you get in touch again!” The other person doesn't know what that means. What do you need right now at this moment? The wording is not clear. A misunderstanding is inevitable. It is better, "I missed you, I'm just noticing that because you are calling!" That is a clear statement.

Be brave and state what you want. Tell others what you are missing: I..

  • need
  • wish me
  • would like to ..

But be careful! Even if you wish for something, it does not mean that the partner or friend is also ready to fulfill or pursue this wish. It is his decision whether he wants to do something for you. It has nothing to do with affection for you. However, if your needs keep falling by the wayside, letting go of that unhealthy relationship will only help.

However, it is better to examine how you can fulfill the need that arises at the moment. If you feel the need for affection, maybe now is the time to take care of yourself and give yourself all your attention. Take time to love yourself.

Ask about the needs of others

Hidden needs can make living with people really difficult. Some people often respond with passive-aggressive phrases instead of being open about what their needs are. There is an opportunity here to question the needs, for example:

  • What do you mean? What should that tell me?
  • Why do you phrase it that way?
  • What is your wish?
  • How would you prefer
  • I can feel right now that you are dissatisfied. Why is that?
  • When I talk to you, I feel bad. Do you want something?
  • I have the feeling that you are missing something right now? Can I do something for you?
  • I feel right now that you are not saying openly what you actually mean.

Find the peace in yourself

Anyone who knew me before would never have expected such a tip from me. But today I know how important it is to rest in oneself. Studies show that yoga, for example, is effective in reducing depressive symptoms. But I also know from my own experience that relaxation and calm give rise to the best ideas for solving issues. After all, meditation has brought me a long way.

Make a wish!

Wishes arise from needs. They often show a deficiency. We imagine something that we are currently missing. Therefore, we should take our desires seriously, even if they are fantasies. Because wishes give you strength and help you to get out of stressful situations internally. Whoever imagines what it is like when the wish is truth is inspired. However, these wishes should be reasonably realistic. Anyone who constantly dreams of winning the millions in the lottery will probably get frustrated at some point.

I have a dream with a good friend of having a Hawaiian cocktail when we are really doing well. I can already taste the cocktail and the thought beams me out of some reality into a nice idea. So check whether you have wishes that you can turn into reality step by step. In spite of everything, wishes are a compass; they guide us in a certain direction. Hence, they are valuable in order to come close to our needs.

I wish you a good journey of discovery to meet your needs. Be kind and gracious to yourself, it will take time. If you are stuck on your own, we are happy to work on it together in 3-hour coaching or we can clarify it over the phone. I look forward to meeting you!

Photo: gratisography.com

  • Posted in: Clarity, Thoughtful, Sacrificial Trap, Change
  • Keyword: needs, emotions, feelings, letting go, victim trap, self-love, self-esteem