Can someone give me some relationship advice 1

Nobody taught us how to do it: to have a relationship. And relationships drive us every day. We want to get to the bottom of the challenges that relationships simply bring with them - whether love relationships, friendships or family concepts. In the relationship council podcast, graduate psychologist and couples therapist Ursula Nuber gives advice on your questions about relationships.

consequences

  • This episode deals with the topic of interpersonal communication at eye level within a relationship: Vicky * wrote to us and asked how she can create a level with her partner where both can speak freely, honestly and openly?
    How do I get my partner to take time for me and my concerns?
    How can I, as a couple, not directly formulate statements that affect us as a criticism or reproach?

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Ursula Nuber | https://www.facebook.com/Ursula.Nuber.Ernst
    Podcasts with pleasure

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is BamBu.
    There are now three sessions of the “Couple Relationship” meditation program, exclusively on Soundcloud, for listeners to the relationship council to listen to and participate in. Or simply download the BamBu app for free from the App Store, Google Play or the Huawei App Gallery or you can click on https://www.bambu.de/
    Soundcloud: http://bit.ly/3rQ5XAM

  • This episode is about the question of another child: Amira * wrote to us and asked how she should deal with the fact that her partner does not want to have any more children.

    How do I deal with different desires in a couple relationship?
    How do we as a couple create enough time and opportunities to talk just for ourselves?

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Ursula Nuber | https://www.facebook.com/Ursula.Nuber.Ernst
    Podcasts with pleasure

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is Vattenfall.
    The “Extra-Relaxing-Energiewende-Progress-Tracks” playlist from Vattenfall deals with a sub-area of ​​the Energiewende in each episode and explains it to us in an emphatically dry, detailed manner, so that you can hardly help but to yourself relax.
    Playlist: https://spoti.fi/3f53sHV
    Landing Page: https://group.vattenfall.com/de-sscpet

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  • This episode deals with the topic of trust in a relationship: Bianca * wrote to us and asked how one should behave when the best friend of one's own friend falls in love with him and the contact has first decreased, but then again more intensively has been.

    What happens in my relationship as soon as another person joins me?
    How does trust even come about?
    And how can my partner show me that he or she can be relied on?

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Ursula Nuber | https://www.facebook.com/Ursula.Nuber.Ernst
    Podcasts with pleasure

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is BamBu.
    There are now three sessions of the “Couple Relationship” meditation program, exclusively on Soundcloud, for listeners to the relationship council to listen to and participate in. Or simply download the BamBu app for free from the App Store, Google Play, the Huawei App Gallery or you can click on https://www.bambu.de/
    Soundcloud: http://bit.ly/3rQ5XAM

  • This episode is about the topic of depression: Franziska * wrote to us and asked how to behave if you like someone very much, but the date is prone to depression.

    At what point is it healthy to walk?
    Can I leave people alone with their problems?
    And how should I behave?

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Book: Josef Giger-Bütler: Free at last. Steps out of depression. Beltz Publishing House
    Book: Ursula Nuber: Depression. The misunderstood disease. dtv

    Depression - important information for those affected and their families
    Apps against depression, anxiety and burnout

    Ursula Nuber | https://www.facebook.com/Ursula.Nuber.Ernst
    Podcasts with pleasure

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is the Aktion Stranger Friends.
    Telling stories, exchanging opinions or just talking - we all need social contacts to be happy. Older people are particularly affected by the current contact restrictions. If you feel like taking part in Germany's largest pen friendship campaign, take a look at aktion-fremde-freunde.de.
    For a starter set with a stamped envelope and a letterhead, simply register at [email protected]e-freunde.de or send a letter directly to the project office: Deutschlandstiftung Integration, c / o Projektbüro Fremde Freunde, Wallstrasse 65, 10179 Berlin.
    - Fremde Freunde is an initiative of the Deutschlandstiftung Integration and is supported by Coca-Cola European Partners (Coca-Cola is a registered trademark of The Coca-Cola Company).

  • Lotte * writes:

    "Hello!

    I've been in a relationship for eight years, four of which are married. Our children are five and soon to be three years old. There have always been arguments. Since the children, especially after the birth of the second child and severe postpartum depression, even more. In addition, we are burdened by no support from grandparents or the like, my husband's shift work, the resulting excessive demands, lack of sleep, etc.
    The central theme is always sex.

    If we don't have sex for a long time, my husband becomes very unbalanced, critical, and in a bad mood. He ventures these whims in personal, hurtful statements. He then criticizes me more and more, is very annoyed (by me) and becomes impatient with me and the children. The only way to stop this is by having sex. I've been through it for a long time, but now I feel more and more resistance in me. I don't want to have to have sex all the time for peace of mind. I don't want to be a "service", I don't want to open up and be intimate with someone in order to be comfortable again. I have set a lot in motion in recent years to create time and framework for us. Babysitter, loan grandma, just to have some time (and very important to him) sex.

    Conversations, cuddling, dreaming together, etc. would be more important to me. Physically, I can only open up if I trust someone, feel respected and accepted.
    For him it's the other way around: for him, sex is a cure for arguments, which means "afterwards" everything is fine again.

    I feel very misunderstood, reduced and actually want to break out of this spiral and also out of this relationship, for this reason. Bladder infections after sex are also a physical sign for me that I exceed my limits, and my soul and body are screaming!

    He says he loves me, sex is also confirmation for him and contributes to his self-worth.
    On his own initiative - except for me primitive verbal, but also physical hints - he no longer makes any sexual advances because he is afraid of being rejected. Which of course I did, for example during pregnancy and afterwards.

    Please help :)
    Lg Lotte * "

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Book: Ulrich Clement: Good sex despite love. Ullstein publishing house
    Book: Ulrich Clement: The Indiscreet Question Book. No and But publishing house
    Book: Klaus Heer: Ehe, Sex & Liebeswüh ’. Clear documents from the core of the togetherness. Salis Publishing House

    Ursula Nuber: http://www.ursula-nuber.de/ | https://www.facebook.com/Ursula.Nuber.Ernst
    With pleasure podcasts: https://www.instagram.com/mitvergnuegen_podcast/

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is the Aktion Stranger Friends.
    Telling stories, exchanging opinions or just talking - we all need social contacts to be happy. Older people are particularly affected by the current contact restrictions. If you feel like taking part in Germany's largest pen friendship campaign, take a look at aktion-fremde-freunde.de.
    For a starter set with a stamped envelope and a letterhead, simply register at [email protected] or send a letter directly to the project office: Deutschlandstiftung Integration, c / o Projektbüro Fremde Freunde, Wallstrasse 65, 10179 Berlin.
    - Fremde Freunde is an initiative of the Deutschlandstiftung Integration and is supported by Coca-Cola European Partners (Coca-Cola is a registered trademark of The Coca-Cola Company).

  • Juliette * writes:

    “Hello dear Maxi, hello dear Ursula,
    I really enjoy listening to your podcast and I also have a question or a topic:

    It is the case that in my family there is no talk of feelings at all. There are five of us in total: my mother (57) my father (60) and my two siblings (19 and 22). I am 26 years old, moved out five years ago and live about an hour away from my parents' house.

    Even when I was still living at home, everyone was doing their own thing and my parents were relatively distant and cool. In everyday life and practical questions (school work, later on insurance, tax, organizational and legal matters) I have always been able to speak to my parents, but I don't talk to them about my feelings because a) I'm not used to it, just them Idea is strange and somehow I don't trust them that much and b) because they don't talk about their feelings either and as long as I can remember they haven't done it either.

    I don't want it to sound like it was terrible at home. My siblings and I had a very nice childhood and our parents always tried very hard to make everything possible and to support us - both in school and in our hobbies and also now during our studies.

    From about 13/14 onwards and until I moved out, it was very stressful for me not to talk about feelings. At first I didn't really understand what was bothering me because I actually had everything from a material point of view, but at some point it clicked and I noticed that I couldn't talk to anyone at home and felt very alone.

    Home and family were and are not a place of support for me, as they are for many of my friends, I was mostly alone with all small and large problems until I got to know my partner. Today I have a very good, small group of friends in which I can exchange ideas about my feelings and those of other people. In the meantime I am very happy even without a great connection to my parents. I have a very good relationship with my sister now, although we also tend to talk less about our feelings.

    Nevertheless, I am interested in what could be the reason why my parents cannot (can / want to?) Talk about their feelings and why they completely hide this emotional side (at least that is how it seems to me)? Could it possibly make sense to address this, and what is the best way to do it?

    Thanks for your answers!
    Best wishes
    Juliette * ”

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Ursula Nuber: http://www.ursula-nuber.de/ | https://www.facebook.com/Ursula.Nuber.Ernst
    With pleasure podcasts: https://www.instagram.com/mitvergnuegen_podcast/

    This time, the supporter of the relationship council is the Better World Cup. A map with all partner cafés in Berlin and further information is available online at betterworldcup.berlin. Be there and make the world a little cup with them.

  • Zoe * writes:

    “Dear Maxi, dear Ursula,

    I recently discovered your podcast and am a huge fan, thank you very much for your work! Especially the first episode on Open Relationships got me thinking and I would love to hear some advice on my situation, which is similar but somehow different.

    I am 21 years old and have been with my friend Jannick * for two years and I am very happy with him. Before that, I had a three-year relationship and haven't had any other experience with other people (not even a kiss or anything like that). Jannick * is five years older than me and has already let off steam before our relationship. I never felt the need for it either, but I am sometimes afraid of having met "the one" too early. We had a long-distance relationship until half a year ago and saw each other about every other weekend.

    In January I started meeting Pablo *, a good friend of mine, which quickly turned into a very good friendship. Since we lived very close to each other, we got closer and closer during the Corona period, while my friend and I tended to distance each other. We weren't unhappy, but I still looked for closeness to Pablo * - which, in retrospect, I already see as a compensation, but above all for other things that I missed due to Corona: seeing friends, experiencing new things, spontaneity. My friend was very stressed during the time, understandably, unable to meet all of these needs.

    I noticed that I was in love with Pablo * and first talked to him and then to Jannick * about it. Jannick * was apparently very relaxed at first, but then very hurt and jealous. I knew all along that I would continue to love him and not want to hurt or lose. So I apologized and promised not to see Pablo * anymore. That was in May.

    Jannick * and I worked on our relationship, experienced more adventure and "strangeness". But the thoughts of Pablo * did not go away and he also continued to seek contact. I've talked to both of them about it.
    My friend could imagine having less contact for a fixed period of time and having an open relationship during that time in which I can try everything - he just doesn't want to notice. He would of course have the same freedom, but I would like to be included because I cannot imagine that it would work without communication.
    I know that that with Pablo * is very different from that with Jannick * and that it fulfills completely different needs. I'm scared of compromising Jannicks * and my relationship for something that actually has so little to do with us. I don't want to lose him or push him away, but I don't know what will happen to Pablo * then. I can't really forget him either.

    Thank you and greetings
    Zoe * ”

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Ursula Nuber: http://www.ursula-nuber.de/ | https://www.facebook.com/Ursula.Nuber.Ernst
    With pleasure podcasts: https://www.instagram.com/mitvergnuegen_podcast/

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is BamBu.
    There are now three sessions of the “Couple Relationship” meditation program, exclusively on Soundcloud, for listeners to the relationship council to listen to and participate in. Or simply download the BamBu app for free from the App Store, Google Play, the Huawei App Gallery or you can click on https://www.bambu.de/
    Soundcloud: http://bit.ly/3rQ5XAM

  • Ada * writes:

    “Dear Ursula & Maxi,

    My husband and I have been a couple for almost nine years, married and have two young children. But there is one topic that concerns me in particular, because it makes me incredibly sad and angry at the same time. If my husband is dissatisfied with something about me, for example a decision that I make for myself, but which he finds totally stupid, then he likes to tease or tease me. He makes comments that should clearly show me how shitty he thinks this or how ridiculous. When I try to start a conversation with him, he blocks and is not interested in telling me why he is saying this or what exactly is bothering him.

    I used to take it very personally, and then, for example, became unfair and loud myself. Today I'm sitting at my laptop, trying to understand it and getting stuck. I know my husband didn't learn to talk about "feelings". I also know that I don't want him to treat me like that.

    It almost feels like bullying to me. I've already told him that I don't want that. Something like that will happen spontaneously, but I still find it unacceptable. Talking would be so much easier. To seek the conversation has always been unsuccessful so far. Silence and defense is his best friend on this subject. Very sad but true. His way is like teasing / teasing. I do not want that. What can I do so that I can handle it better?

    Thank you and cordially,
    Your Ada * ”

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Book tip on the apocalyptic riders: Let's just be happy - John Gottman

    Ursula Nuber: http://www.ursula-nuber.de/ | https://www.facebook.com/Ursula.Nuber.Ernst
    With pleasure podcasts: https://www.instagram.com/mitvergnuegen_podcast/

    This time, the supporter of the relationship council is the Better World Cup. A map with all partner cafés in Berlin and further information is available online at betterworldcup.berlin. Be there and make the world a little cup with them.

  • Samy * writes: “Dear Ms. Nuber,
    My ex-girlfriend and I had a long-distance relationship at the beginning and were very harmonious with each other. I visited her once a week and she visited me on the weekend, so that we could still see each other often enough. We did a lot and had a lot of fun together. There was absolutely no problem until I decided to start studying in another city.

    When I told my friend about my plans, she was of course not that enthusiastic at first. A short time later she came up with the idea to come with me so that we can live in a city and leave this long-distance relationship behind us, as she could also continue studying in this city. So after 8 months we moved in together, rented an apartment and furnished everything together.
    During this time, however, there were quite a few arguments, referring to the fact that she had no other option than to come with me, since otherwise we would have lived 300 kilometers apart. But I didn't see the problem in this at all, since I would have visited them regularly regardless. Due to Corona we often crouched on each other and therefore the dispute outweighed the nice moments, because we couldn't just go on a weekend trip, as it was actually planned, since we have already booked a lot. They were also very disappointed with the cancellations and canceled trips.

    As I said, it then happened that we argued very often, but we knew that this was wrong and that we love each other. We just haven't found a way to prevent this from happening. My suggestion was then dialogues, because I think it is very important to reflect on yourself or to tell your partner how certain behaviors affect me.
    Unfortunately, that never happened and we rarely said what was bothering us.

    In the meantime we have had a contact ban for four weeks because I left after our last conversation because she said very unpleasant things about me and my family. For me, the relationship was over at that point, but I think my anger outweighed my feelings for her.

    For the first three weeks I didn't mind at all, but now I've noticed that I miss her again and still love her. I would like to try to create a harmonious basis with her again, just like we had back then. I don't understand at what point we got so distant from each other.

    I hope that you might have some tips that I can suggest to her, so that we might be able to find each other again. By the way, we've only been together for 1 1/2 years.

    With best regards
    Samy * ”

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Book tip: The truth begins with two people: The couple in conversation - Michael Lukas Moeller

    Ursula Nuber: http://www.ursula-nuber.de/ | https://www.facebook.com/Ursula.Nuber.Ernst

    With pleasure podcasts: https://www.instagram.com/mitvergnuegen_podcast/

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is five to one, the podcast for those who are very interested. Here host Stephanie Hielscher deals with five perspectives on a topic: https://mitvergnuegen.com/fuenf-zu-eins

  • “Hello Ursula,
    I really enjoy listening to your podcast and I also have a question of my own.

    My problem:
    My friend is very jealous and possessive. The jealousy has gotten a little better. He will start therapy soon. What doesn't get better, however, is the possessive. When I talk to friends on the phone, he only sees the time that I don't have for him and then I have hours of discussion. When I'm sick and don't feel like cuddling, there is stress. When I do something alone or with friends, it always involves discussions. For this reason I already had to move out, but I did not break up because there are still many good aspects in our relationship and it is close to my heart. Talking doesn't help. Sometimes he sees it, but next time there is the same discussion. It really sucks my nerves. I just don't know what to do here anymore. I'm in my mid 30s, he's 40 years old.

    best regards
    Melissa * ”

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Ursula Nuber: http://www.ursula-nuber.de/
    With pleasure podcasts: https://www.instagram.com/mitvergnuegen_podcast/

    This time, the supporter of the relationship council is the Better World Cup. A map with all partner cafés in Berlin and further information is available online at betterworldcup.berlin. Be there and make the world a little cup with them.

  • Eva * writes: “Hello,
    I'm not quite sure how to start asking my question. First about my relationship: I've been married to my husband for four years and we've been together for nine years. At the very beginning of our relationship, I realized that something was wrong.

    He was very interested in the appearance of other women. He looked after other women a lot, but not as clumsily as you might think, but rather in a way that nobody should notice. For a long time I thought to myself: OK. Is just the way. He just looks at others too. It's actually nothing bad, you're allowed to look.

    Gradually I noticed it more and more often and wasn't sure whether it was really 'normal'. Above all, bust and bottom were eyed. At some point I felt no longer attractive enough for him and spoke to him about it. He said he knew that himself and stopped doing it. He really tried, but couldn't. I observed a lot and noticed that it was visibly difficult for him not to. At some point I rummaged through his computer. Yes, I know you shouldn't do that, but conversations didn't help us any further and I had the feeling that there was more.

    I found pictures of women on the computer. Not just any from the Internet, but photos of women from our circle of friends that he took with the cell phone. With attention to the places already mentioned. I was totally shocked and angry. I asked him about it and he said again that he doesn't know why he is doing this. He doesn't want to. It must be mentioned that he has not experienced a steady relationship or sexuality before me. He struggled hard with it in his youth too. He promised to erase everything and not to do it again. But recently I discovered pictures on his cell phone again.

    I can not handle this. I can't understand why he's still doing it. Our relationship suffers a lot. I can't and don't want to talk about it anymore because I can't help him and I am very offended. I feel helpless. He doesn't go into therapy either, although he actually intended to. I suspect he is very embarrassed to talk about it and therefore does not care about a therapy place.

    Is that something that should be worked up or is that 'normal'? Is it even allowed to do that or is it even a criminal offense? I am overwhelmed with this topic and would like to understand what this is about. Maybe you can help me. Most of all, I would like to know what kind of therapist to turn to if necessary.

    Many greetings, Eva * ”

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Ursula Nuber: http://www.ursula-nuber.de/
    With pleasure podcasts: https://www.instagram.com/mitvergnuegen_podcast/

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is Junglück. On junglueck.de you get a 15% discount on your next order with the code VERGNUEGEN15 until December 24th, 2020.

  • Mona * writes:
    “Dear Ursula,
    Myself and my ex-boyfriend had a tough breakup, after discovering that he was cheating on me it all went downhill. It was a back and forth between withdrawal and being hurt, fighting for each other. But somehow the worm was in it, after a few months we broke up after a relationship of 8.5 years. Four of those years were a long-distance relationship because I moved to Munich 600 km away for my master’s degree. After that, I easily found a job here and often worked too much. I understand why my ex-boyfriend looked for something at a certain point that he might have missed in our distance. Still, it takes me a lot.

    It's been eight months since the breakup and I still feel like I can't let go at all. Often everything is fine, but then again and again I have sleepless nights, cry and miss him so much that it tears my heart apart. I think about him every day and just don't know how to get better. I don't talk to my friends about it anymore, I have the feeling that nobody can hear it anymore. Do you have any advice to get out of the spiral of thought?

    Thank you, your Mona *

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Ursula Nuber: http://www.ursula-nuber.de/
    With pleasure podcasts: https://www.instagram.com/mitvergnuegen_podcast/

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is BookBeat. With BookBeat you can listen to unlimited audiobooks: no matter how much, when and where you want. More than 75,000 titles are waiting for you. Try one month for free now: www.bookbeat.de/beziehungsrat

  • Luise * writes:
    “Dear Ursula, dear Maxi,
    I'm 29 years old and I've never had a relationship. I can now hear my clock ticking louder and louder and also feel the social pressure, for example from my family. My siblings are both married and I am regularly asked when this will finally be something for me. I would love to have someone by my side, longing for closeness and love. But the biggest thing is my desire to have children. I work in a day nursery and I love working with children.
    My two nieces also give me a lot and I've always wanted to have several children. I know that this is not unrealistic at my age, but the fact is that a functioning relationship with a man is a prerequisite for this. I already had a few very entertaining acquaintances, but it never became more.
    I feel like I am blocking very quickly and unable to open up. It is very exhausting for me to get involved with new people, even when it comes to new groups, I feel drained after a meeting, close togetherness, etc. I wonder if I will ever be able to enter into a relationship with a man and, more importantly, if I will be able to have children? Maybe you have any tips for me that can help me relax, open up? Or should I get therapeutic help, which is a big hurdle for me.
    Thank you in advance and best regards, Luise * ”

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Ursula Nuber: http://www.ursula-nuber.de/
    With pleasure podcasts: https://www.instagram.com/mitvergnuegen_podcast/

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is i + m NATURKOSMETIK BERLIN. When it comes to cosmetics and our body care, it should be fair, organic and vegan. That is exactly what i + m NATURKOSMETIK BERLIN is all about. All i + m products contain fair trade, vegan and natural raw materials in organic quality, and are also produced regionally in Germany. With the code FAIRGNUEGEN20 you will get a 20 percent discount on all i + m products until December 31, free shipping and no minimum order value. https://bit.ly/349iqXJ

  • Sophie * writes: “Hello Maxi & Ursula,
    my boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years now and apart from a few everyday problems we are very happy together. We both live in different flat shares in the big city, because a completely separate apartment is now simply no longer affordable with the rising rental prices. In contrast to my boyfriend, I have been living in various shared apartments with different people for almost eight years, which sometimes works better and sometimes less well. In the meantime I have the feeling that I no longer want to live in a shared apartment. This has nothing to do with the roommates themselves, but after such a long time I long for more than just my own room and I notice how the living situation is becoming more and more of a problem for me. Especially in times of Corona, when you are at home much more often than usual anyway, I want more and more a safe retreat where I don't have to get used to other roommates again and again.
    I would very much like to move in with my boyfriend, I personally have the feeling that the time is right and that we can imagine a future together. But he cannot imagine contracting at this point and has concerns about what it is like when we see each other more and are constantly close to each other. That makes me sad, but also angry, because I have the feeling that he doesn't understand how important it is for me to have my own home instead of just living in a shared room. This triggers thoughts like “My well-being is not important to him” or “He actually doesn't want to be with me”. We have already argued a little about it and can't really come to a solution. Do you have a tip for me? Greetings from Berlin, Sophie * ”

    * Name changed

    If you also have questions for Ursula Nuber, then write [email protected]

    Ursula Nuber: http://www.ursula-nuber.de/
    With pleasure podcasts: https://www.instagram.com/mitvergnuegen_podcast/

    This time the supporter of the relationship council is BookBeat. With BookBeat you can listen to unlimited audiobooks: no matter how much, when and where you want. More than 75,000 titles are waiting for you. Try one month for free now: www.bookbeat.de/beziehungsrat